ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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