I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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