the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
