i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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