Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
