My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
