the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
