I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Floor bacon is actually really good
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
