I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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