yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Randomize
