i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
