so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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