If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
