Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
