Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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