I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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