Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
