BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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