the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
