hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
My friends, they love my intelligence
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
then he tried to convert me to islam
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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