and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I woke up under a house in Key West
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
