WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He felt like a one man threesome
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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