if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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