1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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