69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
