That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
