for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
