exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
