Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
