I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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