I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
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