i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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