I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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