i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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