don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
