I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
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