The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
