If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
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