I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
