I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
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