Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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