Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
