she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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