my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
