I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
