M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
