If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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