two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
