for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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