I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
